By the time you finish reading this we will be best friends or you're going to need space.

It's time to get uncomfortable, however my promise is that this is a short term discomfort that's designed to prevent a life long battle with your own cognitive dissonance.

If you're not familiar with Cognitive Dissonance it stems from psychology. This is a mental and emotional battle for attention and action when we hold 2 conflicting beliefs, values or behaviors. Nearly everyone experiences this at some point during their lives, however we often don't know what it is or what to do with it.
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That's because so often when we get this inner conflict we will do the unthinkable... gaslight ourselves. This can show up in 2 different forms.

1. We gaslight ourselves out of own on emotional validation. We have feelings about a circumstance and event then we start to tell ourselves a story about how that feeling isn't really valid. Over time this version crushes trust in our intuitive guide and as more time goes by we seek to validate our own dismissive or avoidant patterns instead of getting vulnerable.
2. The second is convincing ourselves out of something healthy and positive because it doesn't fit our historical pattern. This one is wicked because during these times our brain will gather every ounce of evidence to prove it's point against the new healthy pattern or change.
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The worst part about these patterns is that they're deeply rooted in our brain and it takes a healthy amount of self awareness and external support to call yourself out because those patterns we create in our heads are SO REAL. If you've ever experinced yourself doing this to either dismiss your own feelings or avoid healthy vulnerability it's a gross sticky feeling in our body.
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Most people describe this feeling as having the 2 little angel and devil on their shoulders battling for who's going to take action.
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Here's what's going on inside your brain during these times. There is a portion of the brain called the "Salience Network" this structure includes:

• Anterior Insula
• Dorsal Anterior Cingulate Cortex (dACC)

(No there isn't a quiz at the end. I did that part for you already 😉)
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These structures have a really interesting function they monitor and compare inner world to outer world. When these structures look at familiar external patterns, people or circumstances with big inner feelings it flags those people as a threat and begins to gather evidence to prove it's point. Our brain starts this process typically at an unconscious level until eventually we hit critial mass and then boom, it floods with an assault of reasons, memories and feelings, all to keep you safe in predictable environments.
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This is why Brene Brown talks about vulnerability as a skill set and not intuitive system because the built in system for so many of us was built, formed and runs on protective patterns, not progressive ones.
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Yes we do indeed lie to ourselves often without knowing it until much later in life. This system is the killer of dreams when it comes to make sustainable progress in life because often we are fight ourselves out of the exact pattern that would let us break through our own self sabotage and have the life of our dreams.
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​*Additional Note: these strategies and insights are not for convincing you to stay in toxic circumstances that do not validate your emotional well being or support your physical well being. Again this inner gas lighting goes both ways and determining which is which is an inside job that often needs external support.
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Often when I start to have these discussions we all start to get uncomfortable because now shame and guilt get invited to the party. We start to ruminate on the past, where we were wrong, where we didn't take care of ourselves and on and on and on. I want to pause here and state something really profound that helped me tremendously when breaking these patterns.
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Shame a guilt are just another layer of inner protection to avoid the vulnerable emotions under the surface. Here's where the rubber really starts to hit the road and where we can build some systems into our routines.
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​Awareness vs. Acknowledgment

Most of us are aware, we know what's going on around us and maybe we throw some ideas around for how that awareness is self reflective. Meaning that we start to turn self awareness into responsibility. Once we start taking responsibility, both positive and misaligned it leverages our ability to move awareness into acknowledgement.
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Here's the biggest difference between the two and why you need both.
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Awareness shows us what is going. Acknowledgement lets us relate to and accept the experience of it. This part is absolutely critical to making progress in our lives because this gives us the chance to feel. This chance to feel is also where the wheels fall off for a lot of people because we go back to convincing ourselves that it's dangerous to even consider such things. So we go back to phase one.
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What's inside all of this is our ability to connect, relate and lean into our own feelings, it's vulnerability to express ourselves not only alone but in a group of individuals whom are safe for us to do this expression with. If you're thinking to yourself that this is one hell of an endeavor you'd be absolutely correct.
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This is a skill, it takes time, effort and intention to make progress on. A lot of people simply start this process with self awareness and think that will solve the issue, unfortunately it's only a distraction for the work of feeling underneath.
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If you're getting started on this journey today I'd highly recommend learning how to be more accountable for your life. Take some stock and inventory in your own life, why is my life like this? Do I project my issues to people, places and circumstances? Why do I do that? Has it even been safe for me express myself? All of these patterns attempt to protect themselves so be gentle as you get started.
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If you're looking for more support leaning into this work I'd love to build more accountability into your life with our group programs. They're designed to take these concepts and help you apply them intentionally into your life to make progress, holding you up to standards you create and we support you in holding.
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Click the button below to get more information.
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Thanks for spending some time reading this see you on the other side.
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✌️ Dr. Chris